christmas flavored haikus.

check 'em out on the haiku hotspot!

(fun with ms paint.)

Twas the Day Before The Day Before Christmas

AT: a christmas story by Will and Andrew (via g-chat):
WY: twas the day before the day before christmas and all through the
AT: shopping malls, city courthouses, and trailer parks
WY: there wasn't a creature not buying, not even a
AT: louse…or a laotion
WY: heheheheh
AT: went the louse. muahahahaa went the
WY: exterminator pulling off wings of a little
AT: angel, who, in consideration of political correctness are called
WY: afterlife windings. Me in my robe and wizard hat, I called to see what was the matter with
AT: leroy the half-human cat.
WY: he had way too much eggnog and shots of
AT: pure poison. leroy jumped up, leroy sat down, but much to my chagrin, leroy simply would not
WY: f-ing die (I hated that little bastard). So I arose such a clatter when I grabbed a
AT: pinch of the latter. I would soon send leroy the half-man half feline to thoughts of nothing dancing in his mind. Away to the window, and in to some trash, he
WY: "fell" head-first about 9 stories, oh what a splatter! Now done with ol' leroy, who next should I meet? Why Santa, of course with
AT: those bitch-tits. How crass of me, I meant to say teat. What great timing, how gay! Here comes Satan now on his impossible sleigh. All his reindeer snarled and stared. I read each nameplate and glared: Dasher, Schlomo,
WY: prancer, dancer (I hear he's a homo!). The raindeer were fierce and smelled quite ripe. I said to Santa "Hey you jolly old elf, what've you got in that pipe?" Santa took another drag and said with a smile
AT: "Son, do you want a hit or should I put it out for a while?" I was taken a back, but it only made sense that old saint Nick was high on earth's incense. I put down my weapon and
WY: took up the thing, had a big hit and puffed out a ring. "Something's gone funny, my vision's not too keen." Santa replied, "Well, of course, I spiked it with methamphetamine!" I felt pretty ill, said "Santa, that's awful, please hand me a beer" He replied, "Well, you've got to do something when you only come once per year". I thought it quite crass, but Santa jumped up and
AT: mounted rudolph, the red-light reindeer. Rubbing my eyes, i squinted and squirmed not believing what I had seen, but santa and his antlered beast were entangled in an orgiastic scene
WY: rudolph let out a cry as Santa's sac got rudolph in the eye. Mrs. Claus came out,bedecked in bondage gear and a big lump of coal, I didn't need that going into my holes! I jumped up and ran for the door but just then
AT: an elf sprung from her bosom and knocked me to the floor. Remembering what elvish i learned from Lord of The Rings, I said what I thought was "stop or i'll knee you in the head." Unfortunately, my dwarf tongue was rusty, and I ended up calling the little guy "
WY: a little punk bitch" He found my slip up a bit of a faux pas and decided to kick me square in the balls. I let out a whoop and with a tear in my eye
AT: , I saw my entire life flash by. As my biography fast-forwarded to me on my knees, I looked over at Santa on Rudolph, on Don(d/n)er, on Blitzen, who would have known, that Santa had such a beastiality fixin'. I had to get out, I had to escape, so I belted out from my belly a dreadful scream and hollered "
WY: Stop, this is rape!" They wondered how I could've yelled through my gag, but I made it out with my bag. The bag full of
AT: what? you ask. Some say it was magical potion, others say it was Jergens body lotion, but i and only i know the truth, the contents of that bag were
WY: live squid, right from the ocean
I felt around in my bag for the squish fellows, threw it at Santa and out he bellows, "Oh, boy more suckers, I can't wait to try!" I turned to the door and let out the cry:
AT: "Suckers, yes, suckers, suckers nice try! Santa, you bearded old hick, these here are squid and you've swallowed enough ink to be used as a Bic." I say this now, as I am not writing this tale with a pencil, instead i am using father christmas' corpse as a writing utensil.
(the end?)
WY: THE END

story time with will!

Another G-Chat unleashed upon the world. Anyone want to publish these? Takers? Takers? I didn't think so. This is madness. Stay tuned for a Christmas version later today.

AT: harvey beanbag
WY: was the most beautiful of all the
AT: animal scrotums. to be specific,
WY: even though he looked like beef jerky caught in a jean-jacket-zipper, harvey had that certain je ne sais quoi, that certain "something french", I don't know, but I was certain that Harvey
AT: Oswald, Lee would have assassinated him based on his looks alone.
WY: Which were, frankly, just the worst I had seen since
AT: Cindy Crawford's beauty mark morphed in to an anus. An Anus!!! right there on that supermodel face. I was so shocked I jumped
WY: like a bunch of kids after throwing thirty seven pounds of ground meat on a landmine in the middle of
AT: the equestrian festival, lovingly called
WY: St. Peter Blasten Von Liverwurstsnausen's Day in memory of the folk hero who courageously
AT: slaughtered ponies in the Great Pony plague epidemic of 1991
WY: which, as all good Austrian children remember, was the day that the Pakistani
AT: statesman, Abraham Lincoln freed the Sikh
WY: -Loving Mongols from their bondage at the hands of
AT: hand/foot/mouth disease.
WY: But regardless, my good friend - Harvey Beanbag - taught me that
AT: you should always put a character limit on the title of your equestrian festival and
WY: never let those wiley, dirty Mongols try and stick you with
AT: made up diseases or
WY: a huge bill after an all-night bender consisting of fine cheeses and
AT: chess fines, and microcharges for several aquatic themed items such as
WY: frogmen, megladon sharks, and the leviathan (which, coincidentally,
AT: is a religious text), urchin urinals, whale vaginas, sea cucumbers, and finally
WY: those tiny little fish that you always see at vietnamese places, but they always look like they'd get stuck in your throat even if re-constituted them in the broth, but even then, you'd be eating a whole fish, which totally makes you think about
AT: how when you're eating/drinking your own body fluid...

(Unifinished, like a really good foreign film).

merry birthday jesus continued.

thanks. thanks a lot man.
we really appreciate it.

happy friggin' birthday.

heeeylllp. mah pets have been spotted all the way in israel!

Thanks to world traveler, photographer, friend, and generally amazing person, Sally Glass, the missing pets project has managed to make an appearance in Israel.

Prestige Worldwide, baby.

Thank you Sally.

Check it out right hurr!

Holiday Presence IV Closing Night

Last call for Kettle Art Gallery's Holiday Presence show is tonight from 7-10 PM. Holler at me if you're heading out there to check out the work. I'll be at the gallery from around 8:30(ish)- 10:00 and then I'm off to Shakespeare Night at Faye's place.

I'm very grateful for the opportunity to be a part of this group show, comprised of some of the most ass-kickin' artists in big D. So much has been said about the decline of Deep Ellum, but with the help of local superheroes like Frank Campagna and Hal Samples doing what they do to nurture and provide a space for cultural advocacy down there, I have no doubt that it's far from dead, far from over, far from stagnant. From what I've seen in the past couple of weeks, we're in for some great things.

Let's keep the ball rolling. Together.

Kettle Art is located at:

2714 Elm Street, Dallas, TX 75226


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2 Birds 1 Stone (Shaped Cup)

You can kill two birds with one stone by heading on down to Deep Ellum tonight for visual and aural stimulation. If you couldn't make it out last weekend to the Holiday Presence group Art Show at Kettle Art Gallery, you can avoid me guilting you by just showing up at Elm and Crowdus between 7PM - 12AM on Friday.

Somebody's Darling and Tolentinoed Artwork will run parallel at Club DaDa and Kettle Art Gallery respectively this evening so come on down!

The art show officially closes on Saturday night, so if you can't make it out tonight there's still hope. I promise.

Here's one of my pieces from the show:



Readbeard has Been Waiting...Patiently
Plywood, Pen, Fiber Paper, Acrylic, Wood Stain, 1/3 Skateboard Deck
2008