Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Twas the Day Before The Day Before Christmas

AT: a christmas story by Will and Andrew (via g-chat):
WY: twas the day before the day before christmas and all through the
AT: shopping malls, city courthouses, and trailer parks
WY: there wasn't a creature not buying, not even a
louse…or a laotion
WY: heheheheh
AT: went the louse. muahahahaa went the
WY: exterminator pulling off wings of a little
AT: angel, who, in consideration of political correctness are called
WY: afterlife windings. Me in my robe and wizard hat, I called to see what was the matter with
AT: leroy the half-human cat.
WY: he had way too much eggnog and shots of
AT: pure poison. leroy jumped up, leroy sat down, but much to my chagrin, leroy simply would not
WY: f-ing die (I hated that little bastard). So I arose such a clatter when I grabbed a
AT: pinch of the latter. I would soon send leroy the half-man half feline to thoughts of nothing dancing in his mind. Away to the window, and in to some trash, he
WY: "fell" head-first about 9 stories, oh what a splatter! Now done with ol' leroy, who next should I meet? Why Santa, of course with
AT: those bitch-tits. How crass of me, I meant to say teat. What great timing, how gay! Here comes Satan now on his impossible sleigh. All his reindeer snarled and stared. I read each nameplate and glared: Dasher, Schlomo,
WY: prancer, dancer (I hear he's a homo!). The raindeer were fierce and smelled quite ripe. I said to Santa "Hey you jolly old elf, what've you got in that pipe?" Santa took another drag and said with a smile
AT: "Son, do you want a hit or should I put it out for a while?" I was taken a back, but it only made sense that old saint Nick was high on earth's incense. I put down my weapon and
WY: took up the thing, had a big hit and puffed out a ring. "Something's gone funny, my vision's not too keen." Santa replied, "Well, of course, I spiked it with methamphetamine!" I felt pretty ill, said "Santa, that's awful, please hand me a beer" He replied, "Well, you've got to do something when you only come once per year". I thought it quite crass, but Santa jumped up and
AT: mounted rudolph, the red-light reindeer. Rubbing my eyes, i squinted and squirmed not believing what I had seen, but santa and his antlered beast were entangled in an orgiastic scene
WY: rudolph let out a cry as Santa's sac got rudolph in the eye. Mrs. Claus came out,bedecked in bondage gear and a big lump of coal, I didn't need that going into my holes! I jumped up and ran for the door but just then
AT: an elf sprung from her bosom and knocked me to the floor. Remembering what elvish i learned from Lord of The Rings, I said what I thought was "stop or i'll knee you in the head." Unfortunately, my dwarf tongue was rusty, and I ended up calling the little guy "
WY: a little punk bitch" He found my slip up a bit of a faux pas and decided to kick me square in the balls. I let out a whoop and with a tear in my eye
AT: , I saw my entire life flash by. As my biography fast-forwarded to me on my knees, I looked over at Santa on Rudolph, on Don(d/n)er, on Blitzen, who would have known, that Santa had such a beastiality fixin'. I had to get out, I had to escape, so I belted out from my belly a dreadful scream and hollered "
WY: Stop, this is rape!" They wondered how I could've yelled through my gag, but I made it out with my bag. The bag full of
AT: what? you ask. Some say it was magical potion, others say it was Jergens body lotion, but i and only i know the truth, the contents of that bag were
WY: live squid, right from the ocean
I felt around in my bag for the squish fellows, threw it at Santa and out he bellows, "Oh, boy more suckers, I can't wait to try!" I turned to the door and let out the cry:
AT: "Suckers, yes, suckers, suckers nice try! Santa, you bearded old hick, these here are squid and you've swallowed enough ink to be used as a Bic." I say this now, as I am not writing this tale with a pencil, instead i am using father christmas' corpse as a writing utensil.
(the end?)